A Procrastinator’s Guide to the Internet

Hello Dear Procrastinator,

I am writing to you in the middle of the night in crazy Manila with only the sound of the whirring electric fans to keep me company. And also my family, deep in slumber, snoring, with their heads dreaming of ventures anew. Well, good for them.

In this day and age, we are plagued by a gargantuan amount of thoughts – problems, actually. If only we can watch them float away into nothingness. Well, of course, we f&cking can! Actually, before we can begin this amazing journey of procrastination which you’ve already known it would be, I would need you to do this little thing beforehand. Kindly click here, and cast that pesky worry that has been troubling you away.

Wasn’t that nice? Of course, it f&cking was. I hope you weren’t totally lost with that ridiculously mesmerising yellow ball of light. Now, buckle up! We’re going to tour the internet briefly or at a glacial pace, depending on your capacities.

Anyway, let me get down to business…

Just kidding! Of course, there’s no such thing as FitPotatoes, silly you. I’m not running a fitness website which I’ll charge you money for membership. I just edited a page from NerdFitness here and took a screenshot (which is something you can do as well to procrastinate, but I don’t really recommend it… or do I? No, I don’t.) Then you’ll say, “But Sir…”

Okay, I know; I know. I stand corrected. There are numerous webpages dedicated to FitPotatoes; what the f&ck! What do you want from me‽

Wait, you want to know what that weird question mark and exclamation point love child at the end of the previous sentence? Why, I’m glad you asked (just go along, dang it). That, my child, is an interrobang. What’s an interrobang, you say? Well, an interrobang is a punctuation mark designed for use especially at the end of an exclamatory rhetorical question. Also, it’s so much radder to use. Let’s campaign to bring back the usage of this highly underrated punctuation mark. Now, I shall write an entire chapter on interrobangs…

Just kidding. Why the place of torment and punishment in an afterlife would I do that? Are you some weird bibliophile masochist who wants to endure an entire day reading on punctuation marks? We actually already have a f&ckton of Wikipedia pages for that.

Ehem, still with me? Wow, you really like reading. You’re a dying kind. Procreate soon – not now. We’re procrastinating, remember? And I shall do my best to help you with that. You may have not noticed, but you’ve already burnt at least 5 minutes of your work time reading this article. Well done!

Is this ending anytime soon? Of course not! We’re procrastinating remember, so the goal is to burn as much time as we possibly can. You’ll find out that there are many benefits to procrastination. Here are reasons why you should procrastinate:

• It’s fun.
• Work will always be there no matter what.
• Work never ends.
• Everybody deserves a break every now and then.
• I learn something new; learning is good, right? I mean it’s important for my spiritual wellbeing and stuff, right?
• Cramming is the new cool.
• Time management is a myth.
• And a whole lot more…

So where do we start, really? Well, I have a couple of sources which may help you in your noble quest to not get anything done.

	First, let’s depress ourselves by looking at the photos of the Rich Kids of Instagram. Yes, there’s a tumblog dedicated to kids splurging their parents’ hard-earned money. Take a look here. Yeap, that’s how the 1% of the world lives. Feel like punching somebody in the face yet?
	Second, most of us won’t be able to trek the highest peak, Mt. Everest, in our lives. Perhaps you have; perhaps you haven’t. Perhaps you dream of it; perhaps you don’t. Either way, with this virtual 3D trek, you can now experience the avalanche sites this colossal block of ice and soil can offer. You can actually trek to the summit, and you’re guaranteed to burn 10 minutes of your work time easy. Check it out.
	Third, Instagram has become a very powerful app out there. It’s no wonder that Facebook has bought it. After all, Facebook might have seen it as a threat to its convoluted plans of world domination. If you’re wondering what powers a website has over mankind, I suggest reading this article here quickly (for both procrastinating and educational purposes). Anyway, there are websites now like World Cam which lets you find geo-taggedInstagram photos. Tour the world with Instagram. Burn time – 2 minutes to a month, depending on your attention span. Click here.
	Fourth, Is it Normal? Nope, that’s not a question, that’s the name of the site. This is a website that lets users ask questions anonymously and get response from others to understand how they perceive things and situations which seems pretty straightforward, but with the right idiosyncratic attitude, you can spend a good deal of time asking questions or reading answers to honestly, quite kinky queries. Burn time – 2 minutes to an hour or so. Check it out here.
	Fifth, you’ll need speakers or headphones for this one. I present to you, the Madeon Adventure Machine. There has been loads of automated music producing tools provided online. However, this one is one of the most beautiful I’ve encountered thus far. Give it a mix here. Burn time – until the beats stop playing… Click here. ♪ Woaaaah, Woooaaahooo. There is the place in the distance. Tell me whose side you’re on. ♪

Quick Note

You might have guessed it by now. SPOILER ALERT: I’m also procrastinating with you all along! Isn’t that a mindf&ck or what? Mind you, I only have these couple of websites for you today. I also have a f&ckton of articles to write for cute verticals, customer queries to answer, academic books to read, whitepapers to digest like a machine, and basically, just live like a functioning adult human being.  I just hope you burnt a decent amount of time to chill out, enjoy this article, and not get fired. I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

Quick Trip down Memory Lane

Apart from 9gag, Cracked, CollegeHumor, Mofunzone, Bored, and a whole host of humour websites catering to procrastinating future innovators of the world out there, I used to visit a website called Joked which is sadly defunct now.

The nostalgia is strong on this one. Thanks to WaybackMachine, I get to see glimpses of this once glorious website during my formative years. This became really popular during the days of Winterrowd. Y’know, that scary maze thing in the 90’s. If you’re not sure what that is, you’ve missed a great deal of the internet, and I’m not sure I want to show you where it is. Instead, I’m just going to show you these wonderful reaction vids because that’s what procrastinating is all about.

Conclusion

So that’s about it. It’s time to wrap it up I’m afraid, since I’ve written more than a thousand words already. Say what? Yes, even I don’t notice how many words I’ve written when I’m enjoying myself too much. This thing is like three articles already. Maybe I should just divide this into three parts, but alas, I can’t do that to you, dear procrastinator. Perhaps when the time is right, I can write another one of this again. For now, I urge you stop procrastinating and go back to work. Yes, it’s a bit counterproductive. But then again, this whole article is a bit counterproductive. I don’t want to be the reason of your demise… or do I? 🙂

Anyway, I shall leave you now with a choice:

If you want to be a responsible, sensible, and a surviving adult, click here.

If you want to continue procrastinating instead, click here.